This season promises to continue on the wonderful warpath of parity. There’s a whole mess of favorites, an even larger mess of teams from which we have no idea what to expect, and surprisingly few guaranteed disasters. Even the Bills are looking to prove that a Harvard man can be a viable fantasy quarterback, and maybe War Damn Cam Newton will eagle his way through the toughest schedule in the NFL (insert groan). So without prolonging your wait any longer, here goes the 2011 dheerja.com season predictions!

NFC East: COWBOYS
Ohhhhh boy. Yeah I just did that. Way to start off with a doozy, eh? Well let’s be honest, the Giants are fading into complete insignificance in the shadow of Gang Green. They made zero offseason moves of note and lost entirely too many players to other teams and injury. 2007 might as well be 1969. The Redskins actually don’t seem that bad…wait did you say Rex Grossman? Isn’t he in the UFL by now?! It really boils down to the Eagles and Boys, and if the Miami Heat have taught us anything this year it’s that you can’t call yourselves a Dream Team before you’ve played a single game. The sporting gods do not approve and you will be doomed. DOOMED! But in all seriousness the Eagles have some serious holes on their team and I don’t see Vick lasting past week 10. Oh and didn’t Tony Romo get married this summer? That’s some pretty serious motivation to keep playing into January, nobody likes the ball and chain.

NFC West: CARDINALS
The NFL needs to take a serious look at adopting the EPL’s relegation system. You could make a strong case for kicking all four of these teams out, they’re a goddamn embarrassment! Neither the Niners nor Seahawks have a strong enough team to make up for their giant question mark at QB, and their tough schedules will only result in massacre. I think the Rams are a better team than the Cardinals, and I like Sam Bradford a lot more than unproven Kevin Kolb. But the Rams have a brutal early season schedule, while the Cards are coasting, and in the NFC West that’s pretty much the only thing that matters.

NFC North: PACKERS
The defending champs aren’t going anywhere. They have zero major changes in their roster from last year, and they’re only getting healthier and stronger. They won the Superbowl with a battered team, and their explosive offense and stellar defense will coast them to a division title barring any awful injuries. The Lions are the ultimate trendy “sleeper” pick right now, and I can’t say I don’t love the potential there but it’ll be tough to beat out the Pack. Stafford’s shoulder will single-handedly haunt the city of Detroit until he makes it through a season, and if he does I can see this team nabbing a coveted NFC wild card spot. I don’t think the Bears will surprise us again like last year, and the Vikings just aren’t going anywhere with McNabb. Rebuilding time!

NFC South: FALCONS
As much as I judge the Falcons for trading away everything they had in the draft for Julio Jones, I still really love this team, going three years strong now. If Julio pans out with the way he’s been performing this preseason he’ll be a welcome addition to an already threatening passing game. The Saints will always be in the running under the wonderful Sean Payton, but I think injuries will hold them back just enough to let Atlanta take the division. The Bucs would be my pick for the surprise of the NFC this year, but I think they need one more year to really get there. Carolina won’t be last year’s Carolina, but that’s pretty much the only positive thing we can say.

AFC East: JETS
Finally I’m taking the plunge. I can’t pick the Patriots this year, I just can’t. The Jets are in a position that I love – nobody has aggressively high expectations for us like last year, and we’ve finally settled into the mold of a consistent, solid team. Our offseason was average, especially compared to last year’s upgrades, and I still die a little inside every time I hear Nnamdi’s name, but we made some solid moves to build back weaker areas. The biggest concern here is sheer lack of depth, and any major injuries would completely tank this team. Obviously the Patriots are the favorite for this division, but I think our slightly easier schedule will edge us out over the evil team from the evil state. Oh and you heard it here first – the 2011 Panthers are the one and only Miami Dolphins! (mwauhahaha.)

AFC West: CHARGERS
This team has way too much going for it. Vincent Jackson looks stellar, as does the rest of the passing game, and the defense is solid as always. They’re also in the AFC West which is ALMOST as bad as the NFC West. Almost. The Chiefs could take it again but I think Matt Cassel severely under-performs this year, and last season was most definitely a direct product of a disgustingly easy schedule. The Raiders have somehow managed to make their team worse, but at least all their players have GREAT 40 times! Poor Jason Campbell is going into his second year in Oakland, over/under on how many games til Al Davis the dementor sucks the life out of him? Or how about the over/under on how many games til Denver succumbs to the golden boy and throws Orton to the dogs? No GQ cover for you Kyle.

AFC North: STEELERS
I hate this team. I hate that they stood in the way of our first Superbowl since 1969. I hate that they have an incredible ownership that leads this franchise to Superbowl after Superbowl, spoiling Pittsburgh fans yet again. It’s just impossible to not pick this team that will only improve from last year’s run. The Ravens look spotty this year and I think they lost their best shot at a Superbowl run last season. Both the Bengals and Browns have the potential to surprise us, but it won’t happen this season with an inexperienced Dalton and an annoying Colt McCoy. This is a great division though and will definitely provide some competitive games this year.

AFC South: TITANS
With Peyton out for the season this race will be a close one between the Texans and Titans. Houston is the fan favorite, as always, but the Titans have an incredible offensive line to protect Hasselbeck from his usual injuries. Chris Johnson is signed and ready to roll, and Tennessee has the potential to rival Houston’s explosive offense, whose running game will take a step down without Vonta Leach blocking for Foster.

Get pumped. Get your face on. Game time.

Now that I’ve simultaneously praised Detroit twice and had a Jets-related breakdown you must be very confused. Well that makes two of us, but before you hit that back button and return to normalcy, I’ll explain exactly why we pigskin fans have deteriorated into head cases.

This has been the most excruciating NFL offseason of all time. Instead of biding our time over-analyzing free agent signings we were relegated to halfheartedly pursuing replacement candidates for Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, and hundreds of fantasy football hours. Hockey? Too many games. European soccer? Too much diving. Aussie rules football? Now we’re talking…oh wait we don’t wake up before noon on weekends. I’m sure with an awkward combination of these sports we could reach some level of enjoyment, but nothing would truly replace the presence that red-blooded American football holds in our hearts.

So what exactly have we missed out on since Aaron Rodgers hoisted his championship belt? Let’s take a look.

FEBRUARY
What we should have been doing: If you’re a Packers fan, reveling in the greatest fulfillment as a sports fan. If not, hating everyone that stood in your way. (My children will be allowed to say the f word before they can utter the name of the-football-team-from-the-other-town-in-Pennsylvania)
What we were actually doing: Sticking to the above as any *real* football fan would do and blatantly ignoring all signs pointing to an NFL Armageddon. This was the best season in a long time – why would they kill football?!

MARCH
What we should have been doing: Analyzing the free agent market and furiously telling anyone who will listen (inanimate objects included) why your team needs to add depth at OLB and why shelling out the cash for a veteran is totally worth it. I mean, this is our year right?
What we were actually doing: Stalking Twitter and all media outlets in an attempt to become pseudo legal analysts (Law and Order didn’t air this episode), until BAM. Lockout. What the hell just happened?

APRIL
What we should have been doing: Jumping on the NBA/NHL bandwagon juuuust in time for playoffs. Boo Miami! Yay for hockey being entertaining! Hold on – WHY did we trade away the pillar of our offensive line? To the Twitterverse!
What we were actually doing: That Nelson woman, we like her. We don’t really get it, but she lifted the lockout so yeah, we like her. So…does this mean we’re good? Or should we be auditioning a permanent NBA and NHL team? Crap.

MAY
What we should have been doing: The draft just ended, meaning there’s a whole slew of new players to analyze! Who’s the next Matt Ryan and who’s tanking Leinert-style? Does Atlanta seriously think giving up everything they had for a rookie receiver is the key to a Superbowl? And somehow the Suh-Fairley defensive line is catapulting the Lions into a trendy “sleeper” pick? This season is going to be awesome.
What we were actually doing: Lockout is back and we adopt a full-blown fatalistic mentality. At least our marriages will survive sans fantasy football?

JUNE
What we should have been doing: Enjoying the sun with a little pigskin on the beach. Hey I could totally be the next Danny Woodhead! When does training camp start again? Oh and now we’re 100% on this NBA/NHL bandwagon. Go underdogs, playoffs baby!
What we were actually doing: We’ve lost track but we think there’s a glimmer of hope. Nothing really makes sense anymore. I guess we’ll watch the Women’s World Cup, maybe this soccer thing won’t be so bad. It has to be better than watching Rog and DeMaurice walk across the street every day.

Now it’s July and the most agonizing week is upon us, but we’re oh…so…close. I can already smell the waves of garbage floating over the Meadowlands. I can hear Fireman Ed leading hair gel-ed masses in the most satisfying chant in sports, J-E-T-S! I can see that first kickoff, the ball spinning through the air as we rise in excitement for a brand new season.

Come on boys, don’t let us down.

• Teams went 127-129 covering the spread at a meager 49.6%, demolishing us all in pick’em.
• Out of 256 games, 90 were upsets (winner had the lower record) and 44 were played between teams with the same record. Here I’ll do the math for you – that’s over 50%.
• 103 games (40%) were decided by less than one touchdown, and 161 games (63%) were decided by less than two touchdowns.
• Not a single team rested their starters in Week 16, every game mattered.
• Only two teams (Jets and Eagles) rested their starters in Week 17.

It’s been a damn good season with some damn good football, and pigskin fans everywhere are salivating for the playoffs kickoff tomorrow. So without further ado, my wild card weekend picks:

Colts over Jets – Peyton at home in the playoffs is another level, and the Colts run D has significantly improved. I think resting in Week 17 will end up throwing Sanchez off his game a bit in an offensive shootout where he can’t afford a single misstep. The last time the Jets took a week off they returned to a nasty shutout. I don’t usually quote others in my posts (unless it’s Rex Ryan profanity), but Simmons literally took the words out of my mouth. “The Jets spent the offseason building their roster for this game specifically — if they blow it, they’d be remembered as the biggest collection of frauds and posers in recent New York sports history. And this is a city that has the Mets.” Scared? Petrified.
*Interesting matchup: Colts passing game vs. Jets secondary (Revis/Cromartie/Coleman)

Saints over Hawks – This needs no explanation, it’s a JV-Varsity scrimmage.
*Interesting matchup: Saints running game without Chris Ivory vs. Hawks run D that isn’t awful

Ravens over Chiefs – The Chiefs’ success (7-1) at home is entirely misleading, here are the teams they beat: Chargers, Browns, Niners, Jags, Bills, Cards, Hawks, Broncos, Rams, and Titans. Exactly ONE of those teams has a winning record. Baltimore will demolish them.
*Interesting matchup: #1 running game vs. #4 run D (i.e. Jamaal Charles vs. the formidable Ravens D line)

Packers over Eagles – How pumped are you for this game? This matchup is literally drool-worthy. The Eagles have been highly inconsistent, and the Packers have looked great recently. Vick will be under a lot of pressure, and I can see a meltdown similar to the Vikings game when he had no time in the pocket and threw some pretty awful passes. Rodgers has a great oline in front of him, giving him plenty of time to throw against an inconsistent secondary.
*Interesting matchup: Eagles passing game vs. Woodson and the Packers secondary

Let’s do this – PLAYOFFS BABY!

Which brings me to the purpose of this post. Fantasy football is a game. WE are the owners, GMs and commissioners of the NFL. We don’t have a dictator coughROGERcough telling us what rules to follow. I’ve been in both standard and customized leagues, and it’s time to revolutionize the standard. Just because the NFL allows ties in an awful set of overtime rules doesn’t mean you have to suffer as well! (Confusing McNabb further is a small price to pay for such freedom) Your league settings don’t let you get rid of kickers? Start a petition and wage war against such tyranny! Break the chains and take control of your fantasy! (yes, pun intended.)

Now that I’ve reached my exclamation point quota, here are my recommendations to optimize your fantasy football experience:

gimme my 0.9 points!

I…I don’t understand.

all I want is to be appreciated.

tonight…you die.

MORE DRAFTS! MOOOORE!!!!

This list is just a start, post your fantasy football fantasies below!

2010
Detroit
Tampa
Vancouver
Los Angeles
Buffalo
Barcelona
Johannesburg
Cape Town
Miami

pre-2010
Toronto
Acapulco
Vancouver
Los Angeles
London
Montreal
Colorado

The Wack Factor Power Rankings are NFL division leaders ranked by level of “wackiness”, determined mostly by variation from preseason favorites. Here are my Week 6 rankings:
1. Kansas City
2. Washington
3. Chicago
4. Atlanta
5. Arizona
6. Houston
7. NY Jets
8. Baltimore
Note: consider this my official I-told-you-so! on the Chiefs call in my preseason predictions.

The Wack Factor Power Rankings are informative, but the real beauty is that the division leaders picture really just scratches the surface of the madness going on this season. Wackiness galore!

NFC East: This division race has been exciting for a while, but did anyone think the Skins would actually play a role in the competition they bottomed out the past two years? The Eagles are hanging on for dear life with their injury battles, and does anyone know what the hell is going on with the Giants offense? Dallas is second in the league in yards per game and hasn’t lost by more than a touchdown, yet they’re 1-3 and their hopes of a home Superbowl are quickly slipping away. Come on Boys, you knew it was over when Kim dumped Miles. You better hope she hates Jessica Simpson enough to rebound with Romo and resists her bad-boy urge for Vick. Never cross a Kardashian if you want a ring!

NFC West: Moment of silence for Niners fans. We feel your pain. At 0-5 in the NFC West you’re past the bottom rung of the ladder, you’re tunneling to China at this point. But you know what’s REALLY crazy? I still think the Niners will take this, and not because “Jed York” sounds so similar to “New York Jets” that I’ll listen to anything he says. They lost to New Orleans, Atlanta, and Philly by three points or less – heartbreaking losses to the defending champs, the team winning their division over the defending champs, and a team out for blood in one of the closest division races in the league. They have Oakland, Carolina, and Denver next with a pretty easy schedule after the bye. They’re gonna do it. Oh and can Niners fans please stop chanting for Carr? Do you realize how bad David Carr is? And then there’s Arizona. From the above rankings the biggest question is why Arizona is so wacky when they won their division the past two years, including one Superbowl run. Two words: Kurt Warner. Two more words: Matt Leinart. Last two: Max Hall. The NFC West might belong in Canada but it’s still shocking that the Cards are in the lead with the QB roulette they’ve been playing.

NFC North: Injuries make this division race more competitive than it looks. Mike Martz’s offense places the Bears’ success in Cutler’s hands, and without him they could easily lose key games in a tough schedule. Green Bay is riddled with injuries to Rodgers, Finley, Matthews, Lee, Martin, and Pickett, and they face the Dolphins, Vikings, Jets, and Cowboys before the bye week. The Vikings are impossible to predict. Brett Favre is the most agonizing player in the NFL, and Monday Night’s game was the perfect example. Playing like a rookie for the first half, he did a complete 180 after his 500th touchdown, and immediately started blatantly clutching his elbow so when he eventually threw the game-deciding interception he would have an excuse for retirement #216197 next year. Everyone hates him so much I don’t think a single person was excited for him after the milestone touchdown, including his family since we all know he’s a dirty, guilty old man. Simmons compared Randy Moss to the crazy girl you’d never marry, Favre is the cougar who’s REALLY good at what she um “does”, but gives you an STD every once in a while. Combine those two and I really have no idea what happens. There’s a great ring analogy somewhere in there but I think I’ve said enough.

NFC South: The Falcons coming out of nowhere to beat the reigning NFL champs, combined with Tampa Bay’s surprising and inexplicable success raises the wack factor of this division considerably. The Saints are trying to remedy their injury situation and it’ll be a close race with Atlanta, but I strongly believe in the Madden Curse and its season-ending powers. Come on people when are you gonna BELIEVE!

AFC East: Everyone knew this would be one of the closest divisional races in the league, so the wackiness is relatively low. This division is going to come down to head-to-head matchups between the Jets, Pats, and Fins. It’s easy to call this ending as it is now with the Jets taking it all, especially with their 3-0 divisional record, but a closer look raises some interesting points. The Jets dominated New England at home and barely won a nail-biter at Miami, while New England crushed Miami in Florida. It’s tough to win at Gillette, and the Pats could beat both the Jets and Fins at home. The AFC East title is still up for grabs between these three teams, and each game promises to be a headliner. At least everyone can bond over steamrolling the Bills! Woo!

AFC West: I’m sorry, what? The Chiefs are winning their division and the Raiders, Chargers, and Broncos are tied at 2-3? Wait no, the Raiders win the tiebreaker and are in second? What is going ON?! Unfortunately this is just bad football and whatever team comes out on top isn’t making it out of the first round of the playoffs, but it’s fun to root for the Chiefs and Raiders out of compassion for their remaining fans and hatred for Philip Rivers the d-bag. Seriously, it must suck to be his teammate. This is the wackiest division in the NFL right now and I love it.

AFC North: The Ravens were a trendy Superbowl pick, so their success is probably the least surprising. The Bengals are a total mess, but the Ravens-Steelers race is going to be awesome, and the loser between the two should end up taking a Wild Card. Good football by two well-rounded teams.

AFC South: Four 3-2 teams is really pretty to look at, and it makes me shiver in excitement to watch all FOUR of these teams duke it out to the finish. What’s interesting is that each team has extreme strengths and weaknesses that balance out enough to throw the division race wide open. Houston is 5th in the NFL in rushing yards and run defense, but dead last in passing defense. The Colts are 4th in passing yards, but a lowly 28th in rushing yards and 29th in run defense. Jacksonville is 4th in rushing yards, but 26th in passing yards and 29th in passing defense. The Titans are 6th in rushing yards, but 27th in passing defense and 28th in passing yards.

2010 NFL season overall wack factor: 8/10
Here’s hoping it gets even better, cheers!

NFC East: GIANTS
Probably the toughest division call to make, but the Giants are way underestimated this year. Barring any injuries, both their offense and defense will be the most consistent in the division. The Eagles could be explosive with the success of Kolb and some great young receivers, but they can just as easily crash and burn. Shanahan will turn the Skins around but it won’t be this year, especially if McNabb is already somewhat injured and Haynesworth is well on his way to the infirmary. And I still have no faith in the Cowboys. Superbowl in a home stadium…ha.

NFC West: NINERS
NFC West? Who? What? Aw cute they think they belong in the NFL…
With a Warner-less Cardinals the Niners hold their fate in their pants…HANDS! I meant hands! Damn you Singletary. Alex Smith is the biggest and possibly only question on this team, and regardless there is absolutely no reason they should lose the title to the Seahawks, Rams, or Cards. I don’t even think there’s a time frame for how long those teams will take to rebuild. Don’t we all wish we could coast to the playoffs via the NFC West?

NFC North: PACKERS
As long as last year’s o-line issues are sorted out, this offense is as drool-worthy as a bacon explosion. (Will someone get Rex a napkin?) Favre is severely lacking receivers with Rice out and Percy with migraines that are probably symptoms of some STD. Berrian is way too slow and untalented to handle the gunslinger. The Bears might be the surprise of the division, depending on the success of Cutler with Knox and Aromashodu under a Mike Martz offense, but Cutler’s interception-prone hands could easily take it the other way. Things are slowly looking up for the Lions, but “Best is the BEST” chants have already gone from cute to annoying.

NFC South: FALCONS
I’m really skeptical of the Saints repeating their success, and I still love the Falcons. I think Ryan’s going to have a breakout season and prove everyone wrong, and with a healthy Turner this offense can take the title. The defense is stronger than the Saints, and will take advantage of a pretty easy schedule. Carolina and Tampa Bay aren’t coming close to either of those teams.

AFC East: DOLPHINS
I just cried a little inside. I can’t help being a pessimistic Jets fan, and don’t you dare judge me for it. I hate the ridiculously high expectations that I’m convinced were spawned by the Hard Knocks producers, and I hate that they’ve turned us all into giant drama queens. Curse you HBO! Our defense is going to dominate again this year, and I know all our opponents are cringing at the thought of a healthy Kris Jenkins addition to our already formidable defensive line. Unfortunately I’m cringing just as much at the thought of our offense trying to carry us into the playoffs. At best Sanchez is a decent game manager, at worst he’ll throw away the season. The loss of Alan Faneca is going to seriously hurt us at left guard, and both Ducasse and Slauson have the potential to give up way too many sacks. That hit on Brady is flashing before my eyes. I think we’ll have a rough start and finish strong, but not soon enough to take the lead in what could be the closest divisional race in the league. The Pats D is going to be their downfall from first this year, and I see the Dolphins being the most consistent team in the division. Their running game is solid and the Henne-Marshall combo has explosive potential. Oh and everybody welcome the next 2008 Lions and 2009 Rams…the 2010 Bills!

AFC West: CHIEFS
Matt Cassel, Jamaal Charles, Thomas Jones, Dwayne Bowe…Charlie Weis can do this. They have an easy schedule that can grab them a close finish in first over the Chargers, who I think are overrated. The Broncos aren’t doing anything – Kyle Orton sucks, their receivers suck, and don’t get me started on Brady Quinn or Tebow, savior of the NFL. It’ll be interesting to see how Campbell fares on another team, even if that team is the Raiders, but regardless he’ll be an upgrade from JaMarcus. The Raiders will get there eventually, maybe Disney can sign Al Davis to play Ursula’s husband in The Little Mermaid III and he’ll be lost in animated land forever!

AFC North: RAVENS
Love everything about this team. I want to hire Ray Lewis as a life coach, can you imagine waking up to him yelling at you every morning? Ed Reed out is a blow to the defense, but it’ll still be dominant, and Joe Flacco could be a sleeper MVP pick with a solid set of receivers. Palmer is going to self-combust this year while Ocho and TO tear each other apart, and I don’t see the Steelers recovering from a Big Ben-less four weeks to win a highly competitive division. I think the Ravens will take it all the way.

AFC South: COLTS
Oh Peyton we can never doubt you. The Texans with Schaub could have a great offensive year, but it won’t be enough to topple the Colts from their reign. I can’t see a single reason why the Colts won’t coast to the top of the division, the season will really start for them in the playoffs.

It’s the greatest time of the year, football is here!

* dheerja.com is a kid-friendly, mother-approved site. As much as I love Rexy, he didn’t survive the censor.

But that’s not to say it hasn’t been an eventful offseason. Thankfully our friends on the NFL payroll haven’t disappointed when it comes to criminal activity, diva behavior, and general debauchery. Not to worry Mothers Against Degenerate Athletes (MADA), you still have Tim Tebow to uphold the ridiculous concept of NFL role models!

Before we get to the upcoming season, here’s a breakdown of this year’s drama-filled offseason, complete with visual aids.

DELINQUENTS

DIVAS

1) The World Cup brings together a pretty awesome collection of people
Soccer fans are fun and a little crazy. Soccer fans who travel to the World Cup are rowdy and pretty much insane. Soccer fans who travel all the way to South Africa for the World Cup? Absolute mayhem. It’s the kind of atmosphere where you love your team and love everyone else around you. You make friends from all over the world – Europe, South America, Australia, America, Mexico…and every person you meet has a crazy story and a fun-loving personality to go with it. Best story we heard? Meet Ian, a quiet British kid staying in a tent outside our hostel. On the way to dinner we’re all talking about our lives, our jobs, where we’re from, etc. A good 45 minutes into the conversation we finally learn that Ian spent the past 365 days biking from England to Cape Town. Yes, biking. Oh and he made a pit stop along the way to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. At some point in the Sahara he ran out of water and didn’t think he would make it, until he came across a group of nomads who took him to a Moroccan army base. If that kid doesn’t have a blog I’m quitting. Our other favorite encounter was with some boisterous Germans after Germany vs. Ghana. The story begins with Craig, who has a strange fascination with the German national anthem, and spent a good amount of time coming up with his personal version (part 1). When we ran into these Deutschland fans we immediately begged them to teach Craig the anthem so we wouldn’t have to hear “Volkswageeeen” any longer. They happily agreed (part 2). To complete the cultural exchange they surprised us with a German accented rendition of Take Me Out to the Ballgame (part 3). Trust me, you want to watch this video.

2) South Africans love their meat
The first word I learned was braai, the Afrikaans term for barbecue. I learned it before I learned how to say “Where’s the bathroom?”, because braai is significantly more important than any essential bodily function. South Africans barbecue an average of three times a week, so all you grill-crazy Americans are officially owned. Factor in that they can barbecue through the winter AND have ostrich, kudu, and all sorts of game available…you can just give up now. We had our braai experience at Mzoli’s outside of Cape Town where you order meat by the pound, wait two hours for it to cook while you drink at the beer garden, and then devour it caveman style.

3) Soccer City owns Cowboys Stadium
Step aside Jerry Jones, Cowboys stadium might be snazzy but nothing beats the aesthetic beauty of Soccer City. You can see the stadium from all over Johannesburg and it catches your breath every time. Designed to look like an African pot, it seats almost 85,000 fans. I’ve never seen anything like it in the US, where all the focus is on giant flat screens and high priced club seats. We watched Germany vs. Ghana here and there wasn’t a bad seat in the house.

4) Sharks look like stuffed animals
Seal Island, home to 60,000 Cape Fur Seals, and Dyer Island, home to thousands of African Penguins, form the shallow channel called Shark Alley off the coast of Gansbaai. Shark Alley is home to the highest concentration of Great White sharks in the world…hello Shark Week. We went shark cage diving with Brian McFarland, a shark hunter turned researcher when hunting was outlawed, and it was easily the coolest thing I’ve ever done. The sharks were surprisingly not terrifying at all, and I’m pretty sure it had to do with the complete lack of movement in their eyes (they’re almost blind), so they looked like giant stuffed animals. They were pretty nonthreatening and could have easily bitten off a foot or hand since we were holding on to the cage bars. Here are a couple pics, keep in mind my underwater disposable camera had no zoom…

5) The world is scared of the potential in US soccer
One of my new-found Brazilian friends put it perfectly after the US lost to Ghana: “You Americans use a bazooka to kill a fly.” If the US devotes itself to soccer similar to football, baseball, and basketball, we WILL dominate. The amount of money and athletic talent in this country is unparalleled, and so much of it is wasted in the NBA and NFL funnel. If you take half the kids whose football and basketball careers end in college and put them into soccer from the get-go, America will be at the forefront of the international scene and will internally develop the sport itself to another level. It’s already there at the grassroots level, almost every kid growing up plays soccer for a few years, there’s just no incentive to keep at it. The soccer market needs to grow significantly, and it probably won’t happen after this World Cup. But the US team is only going to get better, they just need some young talent to fill a couple roster holes, and the time will come when Brazil 2014 hits. The entire world knows it, I had countless conversations with people from Europe, South America, Africa, etc. about this topic, and they’re all nervously anticipating the inevitable rise of American soccer.

6) It’s a rude awakening each time you realize how recently apartheid ended
On our way to Soweto we drove by the prison in downtown Johannesburg. Our driver shuddered, “I hate that place. So many bad memories.” We asked why. “I was imprisoned there for a year.” We asked why. He proceeded to tell us a story about his teenage self playing soccer in the park with some friends when cops walked over demanding to see their identity cards, a regulation under apartheid that specified an individual’s racial group. They had left their cards at home so they could play soccer and were thrown into jail. He’s in his early 30s. By far the most jarring part of this trip was the constant realization that apartheid happened in everyone’s lifetime. Every generation has a story to tell and every person has a vivid memory of South Africa 16 years ago. It’s an unsettling experience to talk to someone your age about their memories of the Soweto uprising. We visited the Apartheid Museum and for each date on the wall I could recall how old I was and where I was in my life.

7) Craziest fans – Spain and Brazil
We encountered fans from all 32 World Cup nations, and by my scientific and well-researched standards, the most enthusiastic (i.e. insane) fans were the Brazil and Spain supporters. Brazil is an obvious one, they’re the Yankees/Lakers/Cowboys of soccer. They have (originally bandwagon) fans from all over the world and have the strongest history as the only team to appear in every World Cup and with the most championships. It’s a sheer numbers game, more fans = more crazy people. But then there’s Spain, a team with zero World Cup championships (until now). Maybe it was the very real potential for that first championship that lit a fire under Spain fans, but they were at another level of fandom. We were lucky enough to get caught in the middle of a massive group of Espana fans outside the Spain vs. Portugal match, so I’ll let you see for yourself.

8) South Africans are a lot friendlier than New Yorkers
TIA…This is Africa. It’s a slang term we heard all over, and it basically means “hey, it is what it is, just go with it!” TIA combined with Shakira’s Waka Waka song provides a pretty accurate portrayal of the South African attitude – easygoing with a great sense of humor, and proud of a beautiful culture. Everyone we met was a joy to talk to, and at least half of what I learned came from our random conversations with friendly South Africans who went out of their way to tell us about their lives, experiences, and favorite places to eat. There was our hostel security guard from the Congo who left his studies there when the warfare escalated. He told us to try the ostrich at Nelson’s Eye steakhouse where the owner, a retired surfer, told us about his shark encounters and discussed the differences between soccer and rugby fans. We stopped along the Waterfront for info on a boat cruise, and the captain gave us a full tour while telling stories from his time in the Navy. The waiter at our first restaurant in Joburg practically died of laughter after successfully convincing us there was a 200 Rand minimum per person, and our waiter at Cape Malay gave us free appetizers with the phone number of his best friend who owns a racetrack in San Diego so we could get tickets. We learned about the underground hip-hop scene from the kid working at the Puma store, and our cabbie from the airport showed us his favorite African trance songs. Some Americans we met thought the friendliness was a facade so foreigners would leave with a good impression of South Africa. Call me naive, but I didn’t see anything artificial about it. I saw a desire to finally show the world how far South Africa has come, and genuine pride in the culture and beauty of the country.

9) Ronaldo is the T.O. of soccer
That’s Cristiano Ronaldo, mind you. Felt the need to clarify after a friend got into an angry shouting match with a female Cristiano fan for wearing THE Ronaldo’s jersey. I make the above claim pretty loosely because obviously T.O. is a joke at this point, but in his prime he was the diva of the NFL, and if there’s one word to describe Cristiano Ronaldo it’s diva. For all you people who hate the way soccer players dramatize every trip and scrape, he is the king of acting. Everyone hates him, the entire crowd started booing the first time he dove and clutched his leg at the Portugal vs. Spain match. You could see the look of disgust on Puyol’s face when he helped him up, and I’m pretty sure he whispered in Ronaldo’s ear to cut the crap. Here’s the thing though, the guy is good. There’s a reason he’s considered one of the best players in the world, he’s skilled and he’s lightning fast. Watching it live is even better, he could run circles around the guys out there. I say we get him on a reality show with the NFL’s finest divas. I can just imagine T.O. breaking down into tears when he realizes Ronaldo dresses better than him, “that’s my style!”, or Ronaldo teaching Jay Cutler how to use hair gel and have illegitimate children. Come on MTV make it happen.

10) God Bless America-n fans
Those of you who think US fandom will never extend to soccer are severely underestimating two things: how much Americans love America, and how much Americans love watching America kick booty. When Brazil 2014 comes around and the US team is stronger than ever, we’ll see nationalism at its finest. We were unfortunately in Cape Town for the US vs. Ghana match and couldn’t make it out to Rustenberg. So instead all the Americans staying in hostels across Cape Town rounded up and took over a bar on Long Street. We sang our hearts out for the Star Spangled Banner.

11) Standing on the tip of the African continent makes you feel like Captain Planet
Team Awesome conquers the world. This requires no further explanation.

12) We all need vuvuzela rehab
No they are not annoying and yes they are that fun. It’s an addiction. They’re everywhere and each time you see one the urge kicks in. I know everyone’s dreading it, but I can’t wait to bring all 16 of mine to the Monday Night Jets vs. Pats game. Hey Brady, you thought those cardboard Bridget Moynahan faces were startling? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

13) “Don’t feed the animals” takes on a new meaning in Africa
I came home to a squirrel scampering up a tree, and in my exhausted state I stared at it for a good five minutes waiting for it to transform into a giraffe. American wildlife you failed me. We saw a pretty great assortment of animals between our safari, shark diving expedition, and drive down to Cape Point. It was like watching The Lion King morph with Madagascar.

14) Mandela’s presence is everywhere
The admiration and love South Africans have for Nelson Mandela is omnipresent. You can see it in the Mandela paintings hanging around the city, you can see it in the Mandela exhibit at the Apartheid Museum, and you can hear it in their voices every time they say his name. Our tour guide at Robben Island was an ex-political prisoner who was imprisoned at the same time as Mandela, and hearing him talk about their days on the island while looking into the cell where Mandela lived for 27 years was a powerful and unforgettable experience.

15) South Africa proved the world wrong
Leading up to the World Cup there were doubts raised throughout the media – Will the stadiums be ready? Isn’t it too dangerous? Is the infrastructure strong enough? Is South Africa ready to host the world’s largest sporting event? One month later and South Africa proved the world wrong. There wasn’t a single moment during the entire two weeks of my trip where I felt unsafe or unable to do what I wanted to do.
Technicalities aside, the atmosphere at the first African-hosted World Cup was electrifying. The South African energy was contagious, I wanted to learn the Waka Waka dance the second I saw a mall full of people doing it, and my first purchase was a Bafana Bafana track jacket. People’s faces lit up when we told them how much we loved South Africa, and so many responses were “Come back! There’s so much more to see!” The entire country got behind Ghana once South Africa was eliminated, and literally the only thing that could have put a smile on my face after the US loss was walking out onto Long Street and seeing a mass of people singing “It’s time for Africa!”

A question that was constantly in the back of my mind was how beneficial the World Cup would actually be for South Africa. It without a doubt served the purpose of uniting a country to show the world how amazing South Africa is, and the tourism industry made a killing off the jacked up prices for lodging, transportation, souvenirs, tours, etc. But the money spent on preparing the country was at another level as well, especially considering the lack of future use for new places like Soccer City stadium. The real eye opening experience was our visit to Soweto, an originally black township in Johannesburg with a great deal of history from the anti-apartheid movement. We visited a squatter camp and talked to the children, knowing our money spent went back towards the community. That was probably the only money they saw from the World Cup.

I left South Africa full of thoughts that even a 32 hour itinerary back couldn’t conquer. Going to South Africa for the World Cup was a trip of a lifetime, and I came out with two resolutions:
1) Return to South Africa and see all the things I didn’t get to see
2) Brazil 2014 here I come…

Conspiracy Theory ALERT: HBO is behind it all. LT, Holmes, Jason Taylor, Cromartie…those Hard Knocks producers are drooling. $100 says all of Cromartie’s illegitimate children mysteriously show up at training camp. And it’s not hard to picture the LT vs. Kris Jenkins race to the buffet line (om nom nom nom nom). Or they’ll hire dozens of scam GQ photographers to surround the field so Sanchez and Taylor can scratch (yes scratch) each other to get in front of the camera.

All jokes aside it feels good to experience something that few sports fans can truly appreciate – satisfaction with your front office. Ask any Lions fan, the worst fan experience is to be utterly disgusted with your franchise. Records and Superbowl rings aside, true happiness comes with knowing that your team will do anything and everything it needs to do to win. The Lions aren’t winning a Superbowl anytime soon, but with the devil/He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named gone, their fans know that it can only go up from here. Isiah Thomas single-handedly ruined the NBA for me, and it’ll take years (or King James) to bring Knicks fandom back to its 90s stature. So hang in there Raiders fans, or take matters into your own hands and drop Al Davis in Loch Ness where he can be reunited with his next of kin.

Woody Johnson, Mike Tannenbaum, and good ol’ Rex have done a fantastic job of putting together a dangerous Gang Green. Quick breakdown of our offseason moves so far:

• Antonio Cromartie – The Cromartie/Revis pairing is the best in the league. Cromartie gives the Jets the flexibility to switch around matchups, which is what killed us last year against the Colts.
• LT – We essentially got another Thomas Jones for less money. He fits right into a great RB system with Shonn Greene and Leon Washington, so worst case scenario he’s an excellent complement to Greene as a 3rd down back and in passing scenarios.
• Santonio Holmes – Former Superbowl MVP for a 5th rounder? STEAL. Coming off his most productive season, Holmes fills the gaping hole at the #1 receiver spot. Sanchez finally has a solid receiving corps to boost our passing game.
• Jason Taylor – From a purely performance perspective, he’ll obviously be good to take some snaps from Calvin Pace and Bryan Thomas, and Vernon Gholston can learn from an experienced player. But let’s face it, the dude hates us and we hate him. He doesn’t want to play for the Jets, he expressed his desire to stay in Miami, and he’ll have a lot to prove when he puts on that uniform. I understand we’re a business at the end of the day and we need to take what we can get to win, but there’s a mutual hatred between Taylor and Jet nation that needs to be remedied, starting with him. Get over yourself. You’re a Jet now and it’s time you embraced the team and its fans.

So how will the Jets fare next season? The schedule’s out and I’m calling a 10-6 season to take the AFC East:

Week 1 – W vs. Baltimore
Week 2 – L vs. New England
Week 3 – L @ Miami
Week 4 – W @ Buffalo
Week 5 – L vs. Minnesota
Week 6 – W @ Denver
Week 7 – BYE
Week 8 – L vs. Green Bay
Week 9 – W @ Detroit
Week 10 – W @ Cleveland
Week 11 – W vs. Houston
Week 12 – L vs. Cincinnati
Week 13 – W @ New England
Week 14 – W vs. Miami
Week 15 – W @ Pittsburgh
Week 16 – L @ Chicago
Week 17 – W vs. Buffalo

Cheers!