Missed me? The feeling’s mutual. Well I’m back and despite the title of this post, I can’t guarantee the revival of my blog will be as epic as this Superbowl commercial. Or as promisingly epic as the Ndamukong Suh-Nick Fairley defensive line. But I will say with absolute certainty that I won’t quit on you in the first half of the AFC Championship game. I won’t leave you sitting in despair, with scenes from the 1969 Superbowl flashing before your eyes as you wonder if that’s the only positive non-memory you’ll ever have of the green and white….and breathe.
Now that I’ve simultaneously praised Detroit twice and had a Jets-related breakdown you must be very confused. Well that makes two of us, but before you hit that back button and return to normalcy, I’ll explain exactly why we pigskin fans have deteriorated into head cases.
This has been the most excruciating NFL offseason of all time. Instead of biding our time over-analyzing free agent signings we were relegated to halfheartedly pursuing replacement candidates for Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, and hundreds of fantasy football hours. Hockey? Too many games. European soccer? Too much diving. Aussie rules football? Now we’re talking…oh wait we don’t wake up before noon on weekends. I’m sure with an awkward combination of these sports we could reach some level of enjoyment, but nothing would truly replace the presence that red-blooded American football holds in our hearts.
So what exactly have we missed out on since Aaron Rodgers hoisted his championship belt? Let’s take a look.
What we should have been doing: If you’re a Packers fan, reveling in the greatest fulfillment as a sports fan. If not, hating everyone that stood in your way. (My children will be allowed to say the f word before they can utter the name of the-football-team-from-the-other-town-in-Pennsylvania)
What we were actually doing: Sticking to the above as any *real* football fan would do and blatantly ignoring all signs pointing to an NFL Armageddon. This was the best season in a long time – why would they kill football?!
What we should have been doing: Analyzing the free agent market and furiously telling anyone who will listen (inanimate objects included) why your team needs to add depth at OLB and why shelling out the cash for a veteran is totally worth it. I mean, this is our year right?
What we were actually doing: Stalking Twitter and all media outlets in an attempt to become pseudo legal analysts (Law and Order didn’t air this episode), until BAM. Lockout. What the hell just happened?
What we should have been doing: Jumping on the NBA/NHL bandwagon juuuust in time for playoffs. Boo Miami! Yay for hockey being entertaining! Hold on – WHY did we trade away the pillar of our offensive line? To the Twitterverse!
What we were actually doing: That Nelson woman, we like her. We don’t really get it, but she lifted the lockout so yeah, we like her. So…does this mean we’re good? Or should we be auditioning a permanent NBA and NHL team? Crap.
What we should have been doing: The draft just ended, meaning there’s a whole slew of new players to analyze! Who’s the next Matt Ryan and who’s tanking Leinert-style? Does Atlanta seriously think giving up everything they had for a rookie receiver is the key to a Superbowl? And somehow the Suh-Fairley defensive line is catapulting the Lions into a trendy “sleeper” pick? This season is going to be awesome.
What we were actually doing: Lockout is back and we adopt a full-blown fatalistic mentality. At least our marriages will survive sans fantasy football?
What we should have been doing: Enjoying the sun with a little pigskin on the beach. Hey I could totally be the next Danny Woodhead! When does training camp start again? Oh and now we’re 100% on this NBA/NHL bandwagon. Go underdogs, playoffs baby!
What we were actually doing: We’ve lost track but we think there’s a glimmer of hope. Nothing really makes sense anymore. I guess we’ll watch the Women’s World Cup, maybe this soccer thing won’t be so bad. It has to be better than watching Rog and DeMaurice walk across the street every day.
Now it’s July and the most agonizing week is upon us, but we’re oh…so…close. I can already smell the waves of garbage floating over the Meadowlands. I can hear Fireman Ed leading hair gel-ed masses in the most satisfying chant in sports, J-E-T-S! I can see that first kickoff, the ball spinning through the air as we rise in excitement for a brand new season.
Come on boys, don’t let us down.