It’s been a long summer.

Even a month of fĂștbol couldn’t alleviate the most depressing 6 months of the year for football fans. Yup that’s right, 6 months. Us pigskin fiends have it rough.

But that’s not to say it hasn’t been an eventful offseason. Thankfully our friends on the NFL payroll haven’t disappointed when it comes to criminal activity, diva behavior, and general debauchery. Not to worry Mothers Against Degenerate Athletes (MADA), you still have Tim Tebow to uphold the ridiculous concept of NFL role models!

Before we get to the upcoming season, here’s a breakdown of this year’s drama-filled offseason, complete with visual aids.

DELINQUENTS

Ben Roethlisberger

Ben Roethlisberger
Of course Big Ben makes the top of this list. It’s easy to forget that he’s only 28 with the maturity of a Duke lacrosse player. This is his second sexual assault charge, and it’s pretty hard to discredit. Sorry Steelers fans, Hines and Polamalu are all you’ve got left as the good boys team. It’ll take more than sending Holmes to the Jets to bring your team karma back up to Tebow standards.

Santonio Holmes
I think we’d all be shocked if Santonio didn’t end up on this list every year. Drugs, abuse, and assault, he has the disorderly trifecta. After he most recently threw a glass bottle at a woman’s face, I’d advise the Jets Flight Crew to resist their bad boy urges and stay away. Stay far away.

Santonio Holmes

Vince Young

Vince Young
First of all Vince, I know you’re going through a rough time (or wasn’t that last year…), but paying strippers to make you feel better about yourself is only a temporary solution. I suggest you talk to Ricky Williams about the healing power of yoga. On the same note, assaulting those who speak ill of Texas can easily be replaced by a stint at the gym with an Oklahoma punching bag.

Vincent Jackson
Sadly DUIs seem to be as commonplace as holdouts in the NFL. Vincent Jackson is creating a dangerous combination of the two, suspended for 3 games after his second DUI conviction, and holding out for a better contract knowing he has to sit out anyway. Let’s hope this doesn’t become a new negotiation strategy.

Vincent Jackson

Michael Vick

Michael Vick
He might not have technically done anything wrong, but he’s clearly not trying to improve the kind of company he keeps. His co-defendant was shot in the leg outside a club, and Vick was suspiciously there but not involved. Hm. In the meantime, this is still available to show your support.

Cedric Benson
Getting a big head over there with your second coming huh Cedric? Or did you forget that Hard Knocks is with the Jets this year? Either way, punching a bartender in Texas is not the way to handle your new success, especially in the birthplace of your career. I understand you’re feeling a little left out with the Ocho-TO show in town, but violence is not the path to attention. You don’t want to be sent back to the Bears now do you?

Cedric Benson

DIVAS

Brett Favre

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Surprise surprise. Madonna could learn a thing or two from the queen bee of divas. You know it’s bad when an offseason filled with injury speculation, Vikings players flying to Mississippi, and a dramatic Minnesota arrival is considered relatively quiet. For a good 5 minutes I thought I was watching a replay of the O.J. car chase, but no, it was just the 24/7 Favre Feed. This guy disgusted me when he punched the entire town of Green Bay in the nuts by signing with the Vikings, and at this point he’s graduated from Bravo to MTV reality show status. Move over Jersey Shore, he’s back…again.

Darrelle Revis
Enough is enough. This is Chinese torture for Jets fans, possibly worse than last year’s week 16 playoff scenario. Is he seriously using Nnamdi’s contract as a standard? That contract was written by a SEA MONSTER! Feed him well, stick him in Loch Ness, and you can get him to do anything. Especially if you have a great 40 time. Revis is undoubtedly the best player on the Jets, and arguably the NFL’s best defensive player. He deserves to be paid well, but the Jets are offering him a great deal. At the end of the day he’s a player on a Superbowl-contending team. If this holdout extends into the season, he loses all my respect.

Darrelle Revis

Albert Haynesworth

Albert Haynesworth
$100 million with a $21 mil bonus and he still acts like a diva? Haynesworth hasn’t played all 16 games since 2002 and is grossly out of shape for a professional athlete, yet somehow he manages to have issues with everything. He complained about the switch to a 3-4, didn’t show up for OTAs and workouts, and the clincher – he failed the easiest conditioning test and then whined to the world about having to take it. Thank god Shanahan is ripping him a new one, it’s about time someone did.

Dez Bryant
I guess someone had to fill T.O.’s diva slippers. He makes a few stellar catches in practice and suddenly he’s too good to be rookie hazed? Carry the damn pads and learn a little humility. That ego is only gonna get worse when he’s on a diva-breeding team like the Cowboys. Pretty soon he’ll be bawling his eyes out behind blinged out shades at a press conference. So please, start out humble because as much as we all love drama, we love football more.

Dez Bryant

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