After days, weeks, MONTHS of searching I still haven’t found a picture that captures the Tim Duncan face.

Now Tim Duncan is a pretty expressive person, and his faces range from tragically pathetic…

…to frighteningly enraged

But neither holds a candle to THE face. I’m talking about the I-just-fouled-but-I-totally-didn’t-deserve-that, C’mon-ref-pleeeeease, Look-at-how-sad-I-am, I’ll-do-my-best-Little-Foot-Land-Before-Time-impression-to-show-you-how-upset-I-am Tim Duncan face. You can see it every single time he fouls, his pleading brontosaurus-esque face towering over the ref. But I have yet to see a picture that truly embodies this mixing pot of emotions.

Find the face and I’ll devote an entire post to you (best prize ever. I know.)

Create the face here and you can guest write a post (WOW.)

…the rest is covered by Darrelle Revis.

The TRUE Defensive Player of the Year.

Eagles over Cowboys
All signs point to Dallas taking this, but I think the Eagles will come back after last week’s embarrassing loss hungry for some blood. I don’t understand why Philly played the way it did last week, there’s no real explanation, and I’m hoping that was their wake up call. And I will never trust Dallas in the playoffs, I dare them to prove me wrong.

Jets over Bengals
From an objective perspective this game is a complete mystery to me, since I don’t think last week’s game is any sort of window to the way these teams will match up. Revis is going to shut down Ocho, so it’ll really come down to Benson versus our run D and how many interceptions Sanchez is allowed to throw. I do think the Jets D will frustrate Palmer in the pocket and force some mistakes. It’ll be a close one but I’m taking the J-E-T-S!

Ravens over Pats
Wes Welker out is a huge blow to the Pats offense. I recall a time early in the regular season when the Pats were a dazed and confused team, which also happened to be the time Welker was out. Edelman is decent, but without Welker and a perfectly healthy Brady the Pats aren’t in the position they need to be in. I’ve been disappointed with the Ravens D, but Ed Reed is back and ready to dominate.

Packers over Arizona
Arizona always does well in the postseason, but I have a lot of faith in the Packers. Their game has improved tremendously the second half of the season and they have the potential to take it all the way. Aaron Rodgers may be a rookie but he’s waited a lot of years for this moment and he’s not going to let Arizona get in the way of meeting the Vikings in the playoffs.

It’s been exactly four months since I’ve devoted a post to the Jets, so before you discontinue readership of my blog please understand that this is a necessity.

Me in muppet form:

I get it. We got lucky. The Ravens, Broncos, Dolphins, Titans, AND Jaguars lost. The Colts controversially decided to forgo a perfect season. The Bengals sat some of their starters, but that really doesn’t explain the massacre that was last night’s game. So yes, we entered the playoffs through the backdoor, but you know what? We deserve it. Now before you lambast me for being an obnoxious and arrogant Jets fan, here are a couple of interesting stats. Numbers don’t lie.

The Jets lead the league in
- Points allowed
- Points allowed per game
- Rushing yards
- Rushing yards per game
- Total yards allowed
- Total yards allowed per game
- Passing yards allowed
- Passing yards allowed per game
- Total first downs allowed
- Passing first downs allowed
- Third down conversions allowed
- Rushing first downs
- Fourth down conversion percentage
- Passing completion percentage allowed
- Yards per pass attempt allowed
- Passing touchdowns allowed

The Jets are top 5 in
- Rushing touchdowns
- Yards per rush attempt
- Yards per rush attempt allowed
- Average yards per reception allowed
- Average yards per kickoff return
- Punt return yards

The Jets are top 10 in
- Rushing yards allowed
- Rushing yards allowed per game

It’s indisputable that the Jets D has dominated this year, and the fantastic O-line has paved the way for a Leon Washington-less running game that also clearly dominated. So although the Jets barely slid into the playoffs, they deserve to be there.

PLAYOFFS BABY.

Yup I waited til Week 13 to do these just so I could get a nice even-ish number. Or I was just too lazy but really, who’s asking?

Now that we’re less than four weeks away from the end of the season it’s time to reassess what I’m coining the “wack factor”. (Please note the lack of an “h”, thus this is derived from “wacky”, not “whack”.) Football-wise I’d rate this season a mere 4/10, with points mostly attributed to the Bengals and Saints. Here’s a look at the current first place teams: Cowboys, Vikes, Saints, Cards, Pats, Bengals, Colts, Chargers. Nothing completely mind-blowing and not a lot of major turnaround from preseason predictions. Even the Bengals aren’t that huge of a surprise with their strong finish last year and Palmer back in the game.

Wack Factor Power Rankings*:
1. Bengals
2. Saints
3. Cowboys
4. Vikes
5. Colts
6. Pats
7. Cards
8. Chargers
*- Division leaders ranked by level of wackiness, determined mostly by variation from preseason favorites.

So yes, standings-wise there’s nothing completely out of the ordinary. But standings alone don’t put us on the edge of our seats every Thursday, Sunday, and Monday. The day after the SuperBowl isn’t the most depressing day of the year because of a couple stats. This is the NFL! Roger Goodell can regulate QB hits all he wants but he can’t contain the insanity these guys bring every season. So how does this year’s wack factor rate on those unmeasurable elements that make this the best five months of the year?

- Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila. ‘Nuff said.
- Ochocinco stages a Lambeau Leap.
- Harvard QB Ryan Fitzpatrick brings T.O. back to Fantasy life.
- Brett Favre is back (again) and somehow gives the green light for this Sears commercial.
- Detroit wins a game!
- Belichick makes a universally bad call.
- Vick signs with the Eagles amidst controversy, and soon becomes irrelevant. The Eagles might as well hand him over to PETA at this point.
- Jerry Jones accuses punters of actively trying to hit the giant screens at the top of his brand spanking new stadium.
- Jim Zorn still has a job, but is slowly being relegated to Queen of England status. Hey Jim, keep looking pretty(?) on the sidelines while we handle the play calling over here!
- Troy Polamalu is frighteningly good. Equally frightening is the impact of losing him on the Steelers D.
- The Titans go from 0-6 to win five in a row. Welcome back to the NFL Vince Young.
- Jeff Fisher dons a Colts jersey during the 0-6 run. Too soon man, too soon.
- Everyone and their mother becomes a part-owner of the Dolphins.
- The T.O. Show is just as awful as it sounds.
- Athletes on Twitter trump the Associated Press in breaking news.
- Detroit wins 2 games!

Overall wack factor? 7/10. And it’ll just keep getting better.

On to predictions! A good amount of the division races are pretty much decided, so it’s time for a little extra effort on my part. Playoff predictions included below!

NFC East: EAGLES
This is based purely on schedule. Eagles have the Falcons, Giants, Niners, Broncos, Cowboys and I think they’ll go at least 4-1. Cowboys have the Giants, Chargers, Saints, Redskins, Eagles and I don’t see them doing better than 3-2. It’ll be a close call, depending on who wins their matchup, and I’m going with the Eagles on this.

NFC West: NINERS
Yeah it’s a huge stretch, but I think it could and will happen. With Warner probably out the Cards take a huge hit offensively. They have the Vikes, Niners, Lions, Rams, and Packers. I can see them going 2-3 at best, and could possibly lose to the Lions as well. The Niners have the Seahawks, Cards, Eagles, Lions, and Rams. I think they’ll go 4-1 and beat the Cards on a tiebreaker.

NFC North: VIKINGS
This is essentially a lock. Green Bay is three games back and the Vikes have an easier schedule.

NFC South: SAINTS
Obviously a lock. Also, this team is impossible not to like, especially if you’re an AFC fan. Rock on Saints!

AFC East: PATS
Miami could potentially make this a race, especially with the Pats and their abhorrent road record playing three away games. But Miami has a tougher schedule and I don’t see them catching up.

AFC West: BRONCOS
Broncos take on the Chiefs, Colts, Raiders, Eagles, and Chiefs again. They’ll go at least 3-2, and I could see them going 4-2 with a win against the Eagles. The Chargers have the Browns, Cowboys, Bengals, Titans, and Redskins. I think they could go 2-3 with both the Cowboys and Titans being road games. Obviously this pick is a stretch, especially since the Chargers win the tiebreaker here, but that’s what picks are for!

AFC North: BENGALS
Time for my told-ya-so gloating. Called it! The Bengals have proven to be dominant in a tough division, and their easy enough schedule will coast them to the division title.

AFC South: COLTS
Crazy I know. I’m such a gambler.

Wildcard Round
NFC
Niners over Cowboys
Packers over Eagles
AFC
Broncos over Chargers
Ravens over Pats

Divisional Round
NFC
Saints over Niners
Green Bay over Vikings
AFC
Colts over Broncos
Ravens over Bengals

Conference Championships
Green Bay over Saints
Colts over Ravens

Superbowl
Colts over Green Bay

Otherwise known as Week 5 predictions! Of course, the term “Week 5″ has probably been copyrighted by ESPN by now so I wanted to avoid any potential repercussions.

So it’s the 5th week of the NFL season, and while it’s certainly been a wacky year already, not much has changed. Yes some teams predicted to finish second may now have jumped to first, but really nothing dumbfounding has happened. Come on Lions, you should be 4-0 at this point! Fear not though, I have complete faith in the utter ridiculousness of the NFL, and something outrageous like the Cardinals going to the SuperBowl will happen this year (oh wait…)

NFC East: GIANTS
It’s pretty obvious that the Giants are one of, if not the, strongest team in the NFL right now. Sadly my earlier pick of the Eagles was yanked away with the usual Westbrook injury and a not-that-usual-but-still-somewhat-usual McNabb injury. I’m not giving up hope on the Eagles and I still think they have a shot at the division, it’s just impossible to not pick the Giants here. Oh and plantar fasciitis sounds like a tapeworm to me, so I’m going to pretend that Eli will be fine instead of trying to figure out what that means.

NFC West: NINERS
Ha! Y’all made fun of me but it’s clear now that I’m awesome (and right). Under normal circumstances they might have dropped out of my predictions with the Gore injury, but we’re talking about the NFC West here. It’s essentially a UFL division thrown in with the big dogs for our personal amusement. The Niners D looks pretty money, and now that Crabtree has resigned from diva status, they’re absolutely going to take this. Sorry Seahawks, maybe next year you can convince your players the field is more fun than the infirmary. Oh and remember when the Rams became this year’s Lions? Ouch.

NFC North: VIKINGS
I don’t understand why people are suddenly OK with Brett Favre now that he’s playing well. We always knew he’s a great player, he just completely sucks as person. His glove-less hands crushed a town that devoted its entire existence to him, AND THEN HE WENT TO THE VIKINGS!!! COME ON! Anyway, the Packers have some serious O-line issues that are preventing the potential offensive powerhouse to even begin to reach its full potential. The Vikes look pretty great on all sides, I think they’re overhyped, but they’ll win this.

NFC South: FALCONS
I stayed with the Falcons for two reasons: I still really love this team, and one of the favorites needs to fall and I think the Saints will be it. The Saints have a much tougher schedule ahead than what they’ve beat so far, and I think the Falcons will regain their footing after their loss to the Pats in time to beat out the Saints for the division title.

AFC East: PATS
Surprised? Take it from a Jets fan, we are NOT that good. The Saints game put our weak offense on display and unfortunately our defense can’t win all the games. Our D dominated the Pats, but their offense is far far superior, especially now that Wes Welker is back. Obviously I pray that I’m wrong, but I’d be very surprised if we finished at the top. Side note: Apparently the Jets don’t feel like participating in next year’s draft. Braylon Edwards? Ugh.

AFC West: BRONCOS
What a turnaround for this defense. Never thought I’d pick up the Broncos D/ST in fantasy, but weirder things have happened! Before the Steelers/Chargers game I might have still picked the Chargers, but that game was a complete blowout until the end. Kyle Orton, you may be ugly but you’re proving to be a lot better than we expected.

AFC North: BENGALS
Don’t worry I’m laughing just as hard as you are. This is my wacky pick in hopes that this will actually happen. Come on NFL, we need to prove how ridiculous you really are! In all seriousness, the Bengals D has been money and Carson Palmer looks decent. And let’s give Ocho a little love for staging a Lambeau leap (love it). The Ravens will probably win this, great team and its offense is shaping up to be almost as dominant as its defense. But hey who doesn’t want to see Ocho mouth off in the playoffs?

AFC South: COLTS
Peyton is the man. I think this is the strongest team in the league right now (with the Giants in close second). And do you really see them losing the division to the Jags, Texans, or Titans?

So the sports controversy of the day is the potential name change for the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux. I get it and I wholeheartedly agree. But isn’t it slightly ridiculous that we’re focusing on the Fighting Sioux when there’s a pro football team called the Redskins? The Fighting Sioux, while understandably offensive, is still the actual name of a Native American tribe. The standalone name isn’t the issue, it’s the historical implications of the name. “Redskin” is a racial slur, no interpretation necessary. Naming a team the Redskins is equivalent to naming a team the “N” word. It’s completely outrageous and the courts, both Supreme and local, need to stop fearing gun-wielding Southerners and remedy this ridiculous situation.

Spurred by the gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya, a discussion heated up in our office the other day about gender lines in sports. Obviously men and women compete separately in most events because of the clear physical advantage men have over women. Sports like basketball, baseball/softball, hockey, etc. are physically dependent enough that men would completely dominate in a coed environment.

But what about the flip side? If a woman is a strong enough athlete to be competitive in a male environment, what’s wrong with her competing against men? When kids play in rec and travel leagues, age groups follow the format of 16 and under, 14 and under, etc. Older kids have a physical advantage so they compete in their own leagues, but younger kids who are talented enough are allowed to move up to older leagues. It seems to me like this mentality could work with coed sports. If a woman can compete with top men in sports like tennis, basketball, and even track, then why shouldn’t she be allowed to? The controversy over Semenya brings to light an issue that could come to the forefront of sports, and considering how poorly this situation has been handled, it’ll be interesting to see how athletic associations deal with gender issues in the future when the lines are blurred.

Troy Polamalu out for 3-6 weeks after an incredible showing in last night’s game. Larry Fitz better watch your back.

Football is here!

The NFL season kicks off tomorrow with the Titans at Steelers and I could not be more excited. So long Sundays! (and Mondays and Thursdays…) In self-important anticipation I decided to write up my own picks for the season, you know, being an expert and all.

NFC East: EAGLES
Solid team, love the Vick addition. Westbrook’s health is a big question mark, but McNabb has a great unit of young receivers. Defense is pretty stellar too. The Giants D is back, but they have absolutely no passing game as of yet, and do I really need to talk about the Boys failing to meet their fans’ ridiculously high expectations yet again?

NFC West: NINERS
Yes I picked the Niners and I picked them because I can. (Unless I suddenly start to get hate mail, but last time I checked I’m not an ESPN.com writer) Cards? Horrific defense, I’ll never forget that Jets/Cards game last year. Kurt Warner is overrated, any QB could perform that well with the ridiculous receiving corps he has, and get the same numbers, if their team was also devoid of a running game. I love Mike Singletary, I’m cool with Shaun Hill, and I like the Gore/Coffee combination. Provided the Seahawks are still rebuilding from injuries I think the Niners will take it.

NFC North: LIONS PACKERS
Sorry I had to. Anyway, this is a precarious pick with this year’s attempt to switch to a 3-4 D, but the Packers offense looks to be the best in the conference, with Rodgers, Jennings, Grant, and Driver. Honestly though, I really just want the Packers to give Brett Favre a great big F You.

NFC South: FALCONS
Love this team. I had Michael Turner on almost all my fantasy teams last year and it turned out to be the best draft decision of the year. Now that Matt Ryan’s proven himself they’ll turn to the passing game more this year, giving Turner a break and Roddy White some points. Add Tony Gonzalez to that, and you’ve got at least a playoff team.

AFC East: PATS
I. hate. this. team. I hate them so much I don’t even want to write this. Alas, it’s undeniable that they are by far the best team in the AFC East and as long as Brady’s knee really is OK, they have a legitimate shot at a SuperBowl run. (Quick and necessary jab: The defense belongs in a retirement home playing Bingo with Bruschi.)

AFC West: CHARGERS
Obviously division winners. Antonio Gates is back, and with a healthy LT and Darren Sproles they’re a force to be reckoned with. Of course the whole Merriman assault on Tila Tequlia (Tila Tequila? Really??) is a question mark for the team, so we’ll see how that plays out.

AFC North: STEELERS
Not much has changed. Their weak Oline might give the Ravens a slim chance, but they’re still a powerhouse. As much as I dislike Pittsburgh there’s no way they’re not taking this division.

AFC South: COLTS
I’m not a huge believer in the Titans. Their offense is severely lacking, and losing Jim Schwartz and Haynesworth will hurt the defense. Jim Caldwell isn’t Tony Dungy but that doesn’t mean the Colts are going to drop out of the running. A healthy Peyton will lead this team to the division title.